School Effectively At Home

Thanks for Thinking

2012-01-20T13:59:00.000-07:00

We continue to talk about the power of "Thank You" and the expectation that it sets.

One of my favorite artists has some great prints that I think go along with setting high expectations in the school room.

You could take any of these and add a "Thank You"

Thanks for thinking!

Thanks for going with the flow!

And this one with the bird and french fry?

Well, that's for me. :)

It reminds me of In N Out Burger!

Oh and this one....

Well, it says it all, right?

Reading IS cool!!

She has it in a girl AND boy!

I personally do not know this artist.

This is not a paid advertisement.

I just simply love her style!

Using Games for Wake Up Work

2011-11-16T10:55:00.001-07:00

Another great idea for Wake Up Work.

How fun to have the dominoes

always set out and a worksheet.

How about a bucket of Lego's in the school room?

Same idea.

They pull two out and do the math.

Kids can be productive first thing in the morning and get into 'learning mode' while you finish up the dishes or tend to other children.

Avoiding School Work

2011-11-14T14:06:00.001-07:00

In our DEJA VU workshop, we addressed how to help kids who avoid their school work.

Because Avoiders are overwhelmed to begin with, going throughthe Daily Plan each morning or the night before is very important.

For an Avoider, you might even expand that ideawith a flow chart or hourly schedule. They need to see all the things that they DO have time for.

Schedule breakfast, lunch and dinner and allother extracurricular activities.

Theprinciple is that they see where the time is spent and that it is doable. Don’t use the schedule as something to beatthem over the head with. You don’t haveto stress out if at 9am they’ve already missed something. It’s not the hourly schedule that we’retrying to execute but the overall day to do all the things that need to be doneand the activities that we want to do.

Here is a great printable, hourly schedule
from iheartorganizing,
if you need a head start.

Objectives

2011-11-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

If students know what they are to learn,

you increasethe chances that they will learn.

Focusing onobjectives makes the difference in student achievement.

Objectives help me teach and guide with the end in mind.

In every K12 lesson the objectives are written so clearly and succinctly that as a learning coach, I can see and understand the assignment with my student.

Beforeeach lesson, I go through and read the objectives with Emma. Sometimes she reads them to me.

This is one of our procedures.

This helps usboth become focused on what will be accomplished in the lesson.

Readingthrough the objectives is a simple way of setting an expectation.

The expectation is "Please describe the main achievements for the Han Dynasty."

I love working from the foundation

of what the objectives are for each lesson.

Objectives state what the student is to accomplish.

When given a task, it always feels better

if I know what is expected of me.

I can be successful if I know that I am responsible for learning.

I use the daily plan in the OLS

to see what is on the agenda for the day.

I then go through each lesson and write down the objectives.

I like to see them all on one page.

I look through the teacher guide or student guide to see what additional assignments there are besides the final lesson assessment.

I spend about 20 minutes on Sunday and

fill out the objectives and assignments for the week.

Having an Objectives worksheet with me throughout the day means that I can ask lots of questions as I breeze in and out of my child's study area.

"Any questions on the pH scale?"

"I haven't seen the Voyages of Zheng He worksheet yet."

"As soon as I see your Reading Guide filled out, you're welcome to go to Volleyball practice."

This is one way to start working on

independent learning with a young student.

It's also helpful with the student who is already independently doing their school work.

I can easily stay on top of where they should be and then lovingly guide them back on track when they forget. ;)

Knowing what the objectives are gives me a starting point

to guide them to what they should be learning.

Download the Objectives Worksheet Here.

Rules for Rules

2011-11-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

Something we are often asked about isrules.

We believe you should have as few rules as possible

and as many as youabsolutely need.

As a learning coach I need to spend
most of my time as a consultant and not a warden.

So for home we have 3 simple rules.

These 3 rules easily flow from school time to family time.

When I see behaviors that are causing a problem, I will handle it with a few questions.

"Is this something you can work out with your sister?"

"Do you need me to get involved or can you fix this on your own?"

"Hmmm, this doesn't look good to me.

I'll have to do something about it. I'll get back with you."

We can practice problem solving with our children without a bunch of rules that we have to constantly enforce. If a child causes a problem, they can own it and fix it.

This way I can sit back and ask lots of questions.

I don't have to police and keep track of who's breaking rules.

I can look at it from a more positive aspect.

"Is this causing a problem for anyone?"

Here is a great breakdown of how to

hand problems back to our children,

from Love and Logic.

SEAH Workshops

2011-11-01T12:40:00.000-06:00

{School Effectively at Home Workshops}

Adults are a primary influence on student success in any learning environment.

We currently offer 6 different Workshops covering a variety of attitudes and ideas for becoming an effective Learning Coach for your students.

Topics include:

Motivation and Control
Maintaining the Integrity of Your Schooling Hours
Relationship
Boundaries and Discipline
Kids That Cope
Winning Attitudes

Each Workshop will cover attitudes and skills to build that important relationship with our child.

There’s hard work ahead!

Schooling effectively at home is noaccident, but having strategies in your pocket to manage what’s ahead will helpyou work through your days intentionally and with greater success!

Start Early

2011-10-19T17:39:00.002-06:00

Wake Up Work can start anytime, any age.

I just came across some great

worksheets for younger kids.

If you have small children that

aren't officially in school yet,

having something for them to get started

on in the morning is a great procedure to begin.

These worksheets are perfect for your pre-schooler to Kindergarten aged children.

It's never too early to start kids thinking

"When I get up, I get to work!"

Wake Up Work

2011-10-12T13:52:00.000-06:00

How soon can I get my student to work independently on their own???
A common question.
Since my main goal for bringing home my daughter was to raise an independent learner, I wanted to get her working and taking responsibility for her work as soon as possible.

One way I have encouraged this is through what I call Wake Up Work. Having a start up assignment always posted and in the same place, helps kids develop the routine of looking to begin on their own. Practice the procedure that when they are finished with breakfast, they will find what they should be working on first, posted in the same place everyday.
With the K12 courses you can go straight to the OLS and see what is on the plan. Print out the daily plan, circle what subject you would like them to silently begin on their own. Post it in the same place everyday.

Maybe you have a dry erase board in your school room

and you post on there what each student should get to work on until you arrive. The key is to have the procedure be the same thing everyday. So if I'm 10, I know that when I'm done with breakfast, I'm supposed to be working on my skills update until Mom comes. Or I'm supposed to start writing my spelling words. Procedure is the same everyday, work doesn't have to be.

Wake Up Work can also be a great place to encourage silent reading, journaling or creative writing. Right after breakfast the routine is to do a writing prompt. It's always posted in your special spot. Helps kids get in the mindset....I'm in learning mode.

I love this website for creative writing prompts.
Everyday there is something around the world happening on that date. It gives you a subject for everyday of the year!! Google "writing prompts" and you'll come up with plenty of ideas for all ages. If children are too young to read, then brother or sister can read it for them. Or their procedure would be to start coloring or work on site words, every day. What we are doing here is teaching responsibility for their learning. If you stumble in at 9:30am because the baby’s been sick and no one got any sleep last night, you’ve lost precious high energy time. If you have prepared for the following day with Wake Up Work…..odds are that kids who have practiced this routine will get to work on their own and you can stumble in at 9:30 and kids are already on task.

These "Wake Up Work" sheets are available here and here.

We school in our main living area so I like to decorate around learning. You can print these off, frame them in glass. Then with a dry erase marker, just write on the glass and wipe off for when you need to change. There are 2 Wake Up Work sheets available.

One with days of the week and one that's blank for names or maybe months!

Thanks For Being Awesome

2011-09-09T11:30:00.001-06:00

We've been discussing in our School Effectively at Home Workshops how important those precious few hours a day are when energy and production level is high for both student and learning coach.

Effective learning coaches know that it takes just as much energy to be positive as it does to be negative. So let's spend our time being positive!!

Instead of nagging kids to listen or begging kids to get back to work, we can set the expectation that listening and working are always going on in our school room.

Have fun with it by making a few posters with statements that say,
"Thanks for being fun to be around!"
"Thanks for being kind."
"Thanks for picking up after yourself."
You might jot on a post-it note:
"Thanks for being an independent learner."
and then stick it to the computer screen.

Download Posters Here

Last year I found myself nagging my daughter about MY Cd Player. Every time I went to work in my area where I like to listen to my things.....my CD Player would be missing. She would cart it off to wherever she was at the time. She has a CD Player of her own. For whatever reasons, and yes she had many, she would take mine and I would have to go hunt it down every time I needed it. I spent a boatload of energy lecturing her, being annoyed and upset with her over something so trivial. Yet, I want my things where I expect them to be.
Can you imagine all of the lectures I gave her??

Finally, I decided to expend my energy differently.
With a simple post it note,
I have never had to go hunting for my CD Player since.
I also thought of,
"My CD Player needs to stay here.
Thanks for understanding."

My daughter and I have never discussed this.
I'm sure she read the note, rolled her eyes,
huffed and puffed and moved on with her business.
My 'stuff'' stayed put and I didn't have to
strain my vocal chords or expend any energy to accomplish that.

When you can apply a positive expectation.....
you increase the likelihood of receiving that positive behavior.

Zookeeper, Prison Warden or Learning Coach?

2011-09-01T08:00:00.002-06:00

What is your job and how would you define it?

In the business world we use job descriptions to
provide clear expectations
and evaluate employee performance.
At home we want to know pretty much the same things!

The value of a job description is mostly for me.
My kids will either get it or not.
But I want to wake up each morning knowing
what I should and should not be doing.
I also want to lay my head down on my pillow
at night knowing that I did my job.

So what does my job as a learning coach look like?
I see it as giving my children the opportunity to learn.
So my description might look something like this:

Provide an area in the house conducive to learning
Have healthy snacks and lunch available
Pay internet bill
Keep the house cool in the summer and warm in the winter
Stay up to date with my kmail and logging attendance
Login to OLS/LMS and educate myself on today's assignments.
Be ready to help and assist kids who are working harder than I am
Keep some groovy tunes on hand when we all need to take a break

Knowing what to do is always a good place to start.
I have also found value in knowing what NOT
to put on my job description.
At my house, it looks something like this

The minute I tell myself that it is my job to
nag my kids out of bed,
beg them to start their lessons,
plead with them to finish up,
lecture them about all of the things
they will be missing out on.....whew!
I'm tired just typing those out.

Can you imagine how much you'll
hate your job after only a few days
if you allow those items to show up on your job description??

Kids will do their very best to convince you
that you should be concerned about their spelling words.
They will persuade you to be more invested
in their math minute than they are.
They might even hook you into
believing that YOU are the one in 5th grade!

I like to have a couple key phrases
in my back pocket when kids go fishing.

"Sweetie, I already learned to spell "embarrassed" in 5th grade. It's your turn."
and I walk away.....
"I'm happy to take kids to soccer practice when spelling words are passed off"
and I walk away.....
"Looks like you need to show your work in math. Feel free to have dinner when I've corrected those. "
and I walk away.....

When I have a clear definition of what I'm responsible for in regards to my child's education, I can walk away, save up lots of energy, be a fun learning coach and enjoy my children.
Everyone will have different expectations of themselves.
What's on your job description?

See how this learning coach worked through it: here

Stick It In THEIR Ear

2010-02-02T18:58:00.007-07:00

Harry Potter opened our minds to all kinds of wonders. A couple of my favorite characters are Fred and George Weasley. These boys knew how to have a great time. They were inquisitive, imaginative , and inventive. Just like our kids. One of my favorite inventions they came up with was a low-tech, high imagination listening device called extendable ears. By sneaking an extendable ear into a room where the adults were talking, they could then listen to their conversations through a fine, tiny, magical wire. They knew that by listening to what the old folks had to say when they thought the young ones weren’t around they could get the “real scoop” of what was going on.

Our kids have their own version of the Extendable Ears. They are constantly listening to see what we really think. I recall being very interested in what my parents said about things when they thought I wasn’t listening. I even remember pretending to be asleep in the car on one occasion because they were talking about what to get the kids for Christmas. Children somehow believe, whether it’s true or not, that what we say to other people is a much more reliable source of information than what we say to them. Especially if the information is exchanged between two or more adults.
Since our kids always wear their extendable ears, our conversations with other adults, our spouse , our friends, our parents, or even the check out clerk at the grocery store, become valued sources of information for our little eaves droppers. These casual conversations deliver big clues to our kids as to what we think about them, about our job, about other people, about the quarterback on our favorite football team. In turn, it then determines, in a big way, what our kids think about themselves and the world around them.

Let me apply this to schooling at home. Suppose your spouse comes home and asks how the day went. You respond by saying something like,

“It was one of those days when brick and mortar schools look really good. Billy whined about his work all day and Jen is three weeks behind in math. She doesn’t get it and I can’t help her.”

There is nothing mean or wrong with this statement, except Jen is sitting at the table in the next room deciding whether or not to work on her math. With her Extendable Ears on, Jen may have heard the conversation more like this,

“Billy is a whiner and Jen is hopeless at math. Maybe we should send them to traditional school. She’s so hopeless, not even I can help her learn it.”

The reality is we have very little control of the meaning of our words to intended or unintended listeners. We need to be extremely careful of our children’s extendable ears. Children will always interpret our words through the filter of their current self-concept. They will also develop feelings and beliefs about such things as the importance of education based on what they hear from us. We can be incredibly encouraging and positive in working with our kids all day long, but the thing that will destroy our efforts is when we’re on the phone with a friend and we say something like, “I don’t know why they need to learn all this grammar, we don’t use it as adults.” Because you said it to another adult your child will believe you are being completely honest and you may find yourself over the next few days wondering why Ben is struggling with grammar.

BUT there is hope.

We can learn to use Extendable Ears to our advantage. Just as kids will believe the worst in the things we say to other adults, we can create situations that will help them create healthy belief systems about themselves and important issues. We discovered early on in our schooling at home experience that there would inevitably be days that could and should be forgotten. So we needed a way to talk about this without giving the impression that we thought we might have made a mistake in bringing our daughter home.

As we discussed this we went back to some of our core beliefs and discovered that a useful concept for us was the idea that mistakes and set-backs truly are just opportunities for learning. So my wife developed the concept of Character Building Days. We tried to help our daughter understand that if she struggled with her learning on a particular day she may not have learned very much science or spelling, but she certainly would learn something about herself and probably about the patience and persistence of her mother. We helped her understand the idea of being willing to come back to or continue to work on something hard or “boring” helped to build character so someday she could grow up to be a great adult. Consequently, I sometimes came to ask about Deslynn and Emma’s day and would be told,

“It was a Character Building Day.”

We then talked about how even though Emma didn’t want to perform certain tasks in school, she finally finished them and gained character, if nothing else that day.

Don’t be fooled. When we were absolutely certain we were alone, our conversations would be much more candid and more emotional. But we always wanted Emma to know that even hard days meant growth.

Now, if you chose to, you can practice the art of Extendable Ear Control. By becoming an expert you can create situations that strengthen, reassure, or even challenge your children. Imagine what it does for a kid to hear his mom tell her best friend, “I am so proud of the way Ricky takes care of his school work. He even tries really hard when the work is difficult.” Don’t make the mistake of saying something like, “Don’t you Ricky?” after the compliment. If they get the sense you know they are listening, the validity of the statement goes down. We can also pass on our values in this way. “I just learned about fractals the other day. They are a fascinating mathematical concept.” Knowing that you, as an adult still learn things about math sends a clear message about how you feel about learning and about math to your child.

I know that you can use the same words to pass values and to model good things if you speak directly to your child. We all should do this too. I believe that since your kids are going to use their Extendable Ears anyway, by mastering the art of controlling our information flow to their EE’s we possess a very powerful tool to build their self-concept and help them develop healthy, productive attitudes about important issues. We found that a residual effect was that we just naturally became more careful with our words.

If you aren’t careful with your words, you never know who might pick them up and do something with them that you didn’t intend.

Even Moms Need Empathy

2010-01-19T13:16:00.003-07:00

" I threw a plastic cup in the trash can under the sink. It had a small bit of juice left in it that spilled out onto the floor, the front of the dishwasher, the wall, etc.

I got a bit frustrated with it and muttered under my breath while cleaning it up. My 9 year old came up to me and said, "That is too bad, I bet it's really hard to clean that up."

I was so shocked and tickled that I fell on the floor laughing. It really did make me feel better to get that dose of empathy. Later I asked her about her comment to see if it was subconscious or thoughtful. She had said it with full knowledge that she was repeating things we've said to her.

I asked her why she said it and she said that she thought it would make me feel better.
It did!!
In more ways than one!"

Uh-Oh!

2010-01-19T12:53:00.004-07:00

"This week my five year old hurt his younger brother. This is pretty much a daily occurrence at our house. In the past I found myself trying to get him to stop in a variety of ways: yelling, holding his arms down, and I have even been tempted to scratch or pinch back.

This week I tried the “Uh Oh” Technique with him. I was on the phone, so I asked my sister if I could call her back. Then I grabbed his little hand and said, “Uh oh, looks like you need a little bedroom time, you can come out when you’re sweet.” I deposited him about 5 feet in his bedroom door. He immediately started laughing at me and walked towards the door. I again grabbed his little hand and sweetly said, “You can spend time in your room with the door open, the door shut, or the door locked.” He laughed again and headed towards the door. I stepped in his way and repeated as sweetly as I could although I felt my anger rising, “You can spend time in your room with the door open, the door shut, or the door locked.” He attempted to bolt around me; I again stepped in his way and said, “If you don’t choose momma will choose for you.” Again he attempted to get to the door.

I turned him around and quickly left the room and shut the door. We don’t have locks so I had to hold the door shut for about 30 seconds. I then told him I would be more than happy to start the timer when he was on his bed and starting to calm down. After the timer went off he would be able to come out. He did get quiet and I did have to start the timer over twice, but it did work. When the timer went off I went and hugged him and said that I was so happy he got to come out and spend some time with me. I was amazed at how calm he was. (The funny thing at this point is that I was tempted to tell him what he had done wrong. I had to stop myself. I guess old habits die hard.)

It was interesting because after that he was pretty calm for about 6 hours before hurting his brother again. In fact later in the evening his brother was being naughty. He looked at him and said if you don’t stop you are going to have to go and spend time in our room. Very Interesting! "

Energy Replacements

2010-01-18T12:18:00.002-07:00

Misbehavior can be draining.

Love and Logic teaches a simple concept of the Energy Drain.
Kids who act irresponsibly can create a considerable energy drain for the adult.

This loss of energy can be restored in a variety of ways. One being: Do some of the parents work. These should be jobs that the parent would normally be taking care of. Or perhaps they are those chores that we just never get around to.

If you find it hard to come up with ideas for energy replacements, make a list and post it on the fridge or have it nearby to refer to. Some ideas might be:

Dust bookshelves
Vacuum schoolroom floor
Clean pencil sharpeners
Clean chalkboard
Straighten/alphabetize books on shelves
Clean the tile by the front doors
Wipe down doors
Pick up trash outside
Straighten games and flash cards
Read to a younger sibling
wipe/sanitize tables/desks/chairs
Clean computer area
Clean recovery area chair
Do math facts with brothers
Mop bathroom floor (downstairs)
Dog Poo Duty
Wipe down baseboards
Clean out silverware tray
Wash windows in the doors

Key principle: If I spend 45 minutes listening to my daughter whine/cry about writing, I can physically feel the energy leaving my body. By the time she's ready to be driven to theater practice, I'm out of energy to do any driving. If she'd like to do some of my work/jobs then I would be able rest and have the energy to drive later on in the day.

This isn't a punishment. If you use it as such....."If you don't get your writing done, then I won't have energy to drive you" it could very easily backfire on you and pretty soon your child will not care what kind of energy you have or don't have.

Look forward to Energy Drains and get some extra help around the house!!
Great audio: When Your Kids Drain Your Energy

Dad Dollars

2009-10-03T21:32:00.005-06:00

During a Love and Logic class, I really liked the ways they used money for appropriate consequences. But, allowance has never been a good option for my husband and I. We always felt like our money was just going in a circle!

Then I read an idea about Dad Dollars! Dad Dollars are just paper, but they have a value around our house. Each morning our kids receive two Dad Dollars if their morning jobs are completed before 8:00am. After 8:00am, we don’t pay Dad Dollars for morning jobs. The only other way to earn Dad Dollars is to do extra chores—things we would consider paying others to do anyway.

Our kids can redeem their dollars on the Dad Dollar Menu. Just a few examples include, 10 dad dollars equals one real dollar, 5 dad dollars can be used to buy a half-hour of TV, 10 dad dollars can buy an at-home movie night for the family or the right to choose the dinner menu. We tried to come up with fun ideas that didn’t cost us any real money. The kids know that they must check with us to redeem their Dad Dollars.

We don’t take Dad Dollars away for bad behavior, but we do allow the kids to pay us or others to do their jobs, and we have charged the kids a dollar each for listening to them argue! The other day I asked my four-year-old to clean up his jackets and clothes. He stalled, so I said, “Would you rather clean up your room, or pay me two Dad Dollars to clean it?” He decided to clean it up. When he was finished, I went to check on his work and two jackets were still on the floor. I acted so excited to earn a Dad Dollar by finishing his job that he chased me to the jackets so he wouldn’t have to pay me. Yes!!

We love that Dad Dollars have value to our kids, but that we can always just print more! We are more generous in our payouts and much more likely to charge for doing their work. To make your own dad dollars, you can use the site www.festisite.com/money. You’ll upload a photo and the site will replace the photo of George Washington on a dollar bill. Then you save the image as a jpeg. You’ll need to use a program like Word or Publisher to make several copies of the jpeg image. I put 8 on each page and printed them out on green paper.

Shelley Nash is a homeschooling mother of five children. She is always looking for ways to be a better mom and teacher. She is also the owner of www.better-childrens-books.com.

Love and Logic on You Tube!

2009-07-22T12:01:00.007-06:00

You can find snippets of attitudes and techniques on You Tube.
Everything from Potty Training tips to How to Get your Kids to Listen.

Foster Cline also has a section. As of this date there are 2 topics:
Empowering Kids to Handle Bullying and
How to Talk to a Depressed Teen.

This is a great way to see them and hear them.

These videos are fully endorsed by Love and Logic, Inc.
and they are posted and permitted to be on You Tube.

Learning Disabilities

2009-02-21T12:24:00.008-07:00

I've been fortunate enough through my travels to meet so many wonderful and loving learning coaches. I want to introduce you to a mom who has been working hard at schooling at home for several years now.

Her son, "Kyle" is 10 and lives with Asperger Syndrome (a high functioning form of autism) and ADHD. "Ann" has homeschooled him in some form since 1st grade: half days in 1st, the last two months of 2nd, full time since mid-3rd grade. He is now in 5th grade. I asked Ann if she would share some of her experiences in regards to the Love and Logic principles that we teach in the class. Below are some thoughts and ideas that she has been working on.

~Showing empathy
I'm convinced that this is one of the single best ways to keep or improve a relationship with a challenging child. And the relationship has to be there if learning or progress is to occur. When Kyle feels like we're on his side, he is much more open and willing to try. It's hard enough dealing with his challenges, that if he feels like the security of our relationship is in jeopardy, he just wants to give up and his behavior suffers. (And then, of course, so do we as a family.) For instance, when I say "It looks like this makes you feel frustrated" versus "Don't get so frustrated with this. Settle down and you'll get it," he is much more open to continue trying.

~Telling Him What WE Will Do

This was one of the best things I learned in the class. Instead of focusing on telling him what to do (which never works), we've had better luck telling him what WE will do. For example, yesterday we went skiing for my birthday. Kyle loves to go skiing; it's very freeing for him.

But often, he takes off down the hill and he's so fast that we spend the day just trying to keep up with him and it can be frustrating for us. Yesterday, I told him that we were going to ski as a group, deciding each time on the lift where we were going. Everyone would get a turn to pick a route down the mountain. I told him he was welcome to come with us, or to take off and go where he wanted, but we were not going to follow him. If we got separated, we were to meet at the moose statue at the base. If he was alone and got hurt, he was to inform another skier so they could notify the ski patrol. This way, I felt liberated from the need to speed after him to keep him safe. He now knew what to do if he got lost or hurt. He also knew I wasn’t going to follow him all day. Guess what? He stayed with us the entire day, and even waited for his sister and me at the end of the day when we were worn out. Score!

~Sharing Control
Some of the things we learned in the class square 100% with what we already learned on the job. Before Kyle was diagnosed, we were told that he just needed better discipline. We attempted to come down hard on him (which is against our parenting philosophy and it felt quite uncomfortable, but we were desperate...). When we tried to control him more, things backfired and things went downhill quickly. We learned right away that he needed some control and that empathy was the only thing that reached him..........We also knew that if we didn't share control with him, nothing worked. It's so true that the more challenges a child deals with, the more they need to control something in their life.

~A Card System To Help Transfer More School Responsibilities To Him

I love the idea of the work being HIS and not mine. This is hard with a child with special needs because it's hard to know how much they really can do on their own. I think I've done too much for Kyle, though. I realize that I am much more invested in his school work than he is. This is because he hates school (he tells me this daily), a perception he learned in public school that I'm beginning to think we'll never change.

I've been trying to come up with some ideas to transfer responsibility to Kyle for more of his school work. One thing that is really frustrating for me is to figure out how to walk this line because I often feel like I'm doing most of work! I want to transfer it to him, but I can't just walk away because of his limitations. This is a work in progress. He still needs me to redirect him back to his work again and again as his attention shifts around like a ping pong ball.

I created a card system and I put the 5X8 cards on a ring. It has the day's schedule (in pencil so we can adjust if needed) with his work, and what is happening right down to what we're having for dinner. This eliminated anxiety for him and provides routine, something that comforts people with autism. He marks off each subject as it is completed. I make notes on the day, and it creates a running record of what is working or not.

For example, I had to go and visit a sick friend one morning. I told him to get started on his card and I would return in 15 minutes. My friend was sicker than I thought, and I didn't return for 45 minutes. When I came home, I expected that Kyle would be playing a computer game. Instead, he had completed one subject and had used the card to guide him to his math assignment, with which he was 3/4 finished! I was flabergasted. It doesn't always work this well, but we have had some successes.

I think her last sentance states it best. Things aren't perfect everyday. But Ann and Kyle will keep working, testing, trying, practicing and figuring it out.

That's what we do as families.

Go Ahead and Blow It

2009-02-18T16:19:00.006-07:00

I love this story I got from a teacher today!! Perhaps it will help you when coming up with your own unique consequences for kids. Remember: Simple logic with little pizazz will take you far.

When you started talking about consequences I immediately thought of a student that I had in 1st grade back in 1984 (some stick with you longer than others). Tommy was cute, mischievous and all boy. But, Tommy had the habit of blowing in the face of other students. He would just walk up to one and put his face right in front of theirs and blow as hard as he could. I do not know what prompted the behavior but asking him to stop, other students yelling at him to stop didn’t seem to deter him at all. He would just grin and do it again a few minutes later to yet another unsuspecting classmate.

After about 3 days of this behavior without finding a deterrent and racking my brain for a solution I decided if he wanted to blow I would find something for him to blow. So the next day, the first time he blew in someone’s face I went to the outside classroom door and called him over. When he got to me with the big grin on his face, I whispered in his ear that I needed him to get a rock from the parking lot right outside our door. Away he went, with me praying that he would select a BIG rock. He came back with a rock about half the size of the palm of his hand.

I took him with the rock still in his hand down to the office. When I reached the office I told the secretary that Tommy was there to complete the task we had discussed earlier and that he could take as long as needed to complete. I, then, told her and him that I needed him to blow the rock from one side of the office to the other and back again, to use up all of his excess air. I suggested that when he was finished to leave the rock with her in case he ever had to use up excess air again.

Tommy was gone about 20 minutes and when he returned he whispered in my ear that he didn’t think he would need to use the rock again, so could he put it back in the parking lot? I responded with a no, just in case he had a day of excess air again.

He didn’t need to use the rock again, but it sat on the secretary’s desk for the remainder of the school year.

Steppin' It Up!

2009-02-18T10:48:00.011-07:00

I exercise 3 times a week at our church. It's a pretty big group of moms. They come with all their kids in tow. Moms are on the gym floor doing their thing and the kids are relegated to the 'carpeted area' that sits at the back of the gym.

A young mom, "Cheri", has been coming for 6 months now with a toddler in tow. I have watched her in complete awe as the months have gone by.

It's very dangerous for the moms if kids are running around on the gym floor while we are doing aerobics or even more so, step aerobics.

It's imperitive that the kids learn to stay in the carpeted area.

Cheri has spent many a morning with "Gil" on her lap crying......she has had to carry him while 'stepping'. She has put another 'step' right next to hers and he has sat on that screaming and crying while mom does her workout.

I have seen her walk that little boy back to the carpeted area about 1200 times. She has worked the "Uh-Oh Song" to perfection with Gil. He's 2 years old. It's all about bodily placement. In the last couple of months I have seen her just give him a raised eyebrow when he is about ready to run out on the gym floor. He smiles and turns back.

Not very many moms like Cheri with a toddler or two in tow make it past the first week in exercise class. They come and when their kids aren't completely compliant to the task of staying on the carpet, they give up. THEY miss out on a great experience: Exercise AND teaching their children about boundaries and limits. It reminded me today of the saying, "I'm not growing a garden. I'm growing children."

Was Cheri fully able to participate in class for a few months? No.
Did she work her patience every morning? Yes.
Her abs? Not necessarily.
Did she leave class thinking, "why do I bother?" Yes.
Did Cheri see a bigger picture in the future? Yes.

Her payoff for all of that hard work is now a 60+ minute workout for HER and playtime for Gil with other kids on the carpet. Added bonus: a raised eyebrow at home, does the same thing.

It's all about Pizazz~

2009-02-05T16:36:00.005-07:00

Send this unstated message to your kids as often as possible:

“You get most of the pizazz in life when you’re behaving well…
and very, very little pizazz when you’re misbehaving.”

~Charles Fay
From “Angry and Oppositional Students”

Anger and frustration, on your part, over schoolwork is Pizazz!
Every time you spend most of your day showing your toddlers how upset and exhausted you are over their misbehaviors ....that's pizazz.
Using lots of words and body language to lecture your teen about their cell phone use, yep, Pizazz with a capital P.

How much of your day are you expending on this kind of energy?

Save all that energy for the good times. We can all become addicted to the adrenaline rush of anger and frustration, just as much as the adrenaline that comes from joy,love, accomplishment.

When our children's actions become more frustrating to us than we would like, you might try the following:

Recovery: "This isn't acceptable. Can you pull it together or do you need to be somewhere else? Thanks."

and WALK AWAY. No pizazz.

Delayed consequence: "Honey, I don't like your behavior right now. I'm upset and will need to do something about this. But I'll take care of it later. "

This is not said to correct the behavior immediately. I'm just trying to keep from ringing her neck right now. I'm really at a loss of what to do but I desperately want to keep my cool. So I try to use few words with actions to follow later when we're both in "thinking mode". No pizazz.

Energy Drain: Solid generic consequence later in the day/week/month when you are literally too tired to do what your kids need you to do because you had to listen to the whining, or you were worrying about them being disrespectful to their Grandma because of the way they treat you, so they won't be going to Grandma's.

Save the Pizazz for the Good Times.

Walking the Line of Nonsense

2009-01-23T14:46:00.014-07:00

Dr. Foster W. Cline teaches:

"We walk the line of nonsense when we warn."

Warnings give kids a distorted view of cause and effect. They begin to believe that they don't have to make wise decisions the first time. (drugs, sex, destructive behaviors, etc.)

Love and Logic teaches that bad things can happen right away if you make poor decisions.

How many times do you find yourself warning, aka threatening, your kids if they don't get their schoolwork done on time. Explaining to them numerous times how their life will be miserable if they don't.

Maybe you get a little adrenaline rush when you see that they are worried about losing a favorite toy or if you're really lucky, they will shed a few tears for you. That gives you more motivation to keep warning them because "look how worried they are, they're crying! This MUST be working!!" And for some reason............the schoolwork continues to lag behind day after day. You've now taken away every beloved toy and activity they enjoy. We scratch our head and wonder why. We might even start to believe that our child is unmotivated.

They are very motivated. Here are the motivations of each party, consciously or unconsciously, of each party and herein lies the paradox:

Parents: If I take away something they love they will want to get it back and they will do what they are supposed to do.(schoolwork) They'll win...........they'll get their toy back. I'll win they get their work done. Win/Win

Child: If I do my schoolwork, I'll be doing what they want me so desperately to do. I'll lose. I don't care about Gameboys, Civil Air Patrol, Driving, Soccer Practice..........I care about being a winner. As long as I don't do what they beg me to do (and they read this in your every movement, your facial expressions, your heavy sighs) I stay the winner. They lose.

We shoot ourselves in the foot when we use warnings as supposed 'motivators' all day long.

3 Scenarios

"Honey, I'm not taking you to Civil Air Patrol if you don't have 3 lessons done"
"If you ever want to play on the computer again, you better get your math assessment done."
"Do you want to go to Grandma's tonight? You're not going unless I see that outline for your paper."

And on and on it goes.

I'm tired just typing about it.

Live. Your. Life.

Kid blows off doing his 3 lessons. It's time for Civil Air Patrol. He's got his handbook and he's in charge of conducting the meeting tonight. You are hopefully, relaxing reading a good book, making dessert, playing with a child, talking to your husband.........when son comes ready to be taken to CAP. "We need to go", he says.

Looking up from the newspaper with a wide-eyed, clueless appearance you say, "Oh, right honey. Hey, as soon as I see those 3 lessons done, I will zoom you down to the Elks Lodge for CAP."

(side note: THIS IS HARD TO DO. Hard to say! You want to give in because he was really sweet after dinner and did more than his fair share of the work. He was playing with his little brother even! You want to give a little, tiny lecture and then take him to CAP. Hoping and hoping that he's learned his lesson. He hasn't. He is learning that he can blow off your requests, do a couple of other nice things and you turn to butter. You get to decide. This is why it is all about you. Okay, back to the story..)

Earlier that morning I sweetly said in passing, "Honey, feel free to go to CAP when I see these 3 lessons done." I did not say another word all day.

When he was texting for 25 minutes, I said nothing.

When he took a 3 hour nap, I said nothing.

I went about living MY life, which was very successful, thank you.

I did 3 loads of laundry, called 2 friends, wrote 5 emails, finished my report for Friday, played the piano, sang to my favorite CD while sweeping the floor.

Does your son take this lying down? No.

Will he possibly get ugly and defiant? Yes.

Will you use a lot of words and explaining in this moment? Not if you want this painful experience to count for anything. If you get a lot of "Why????" and "You didn't tell me.......blah blah's", calmly explain that if he hasn't figured this out by tomorrow morning you would love to have a conversation with him about it.

I do not have conversations with angry/upset/rude people.

I use a one-liner to his every complaint.
"Maybe so.........and I'll be happy to run you down when I see 3 lessons" Repeated 16 times or as long as it takes him to leave your presence.

Why don't you see if you can come up with a way to handle the other two scenarios without a warning.

What would you do?

Can you get off the tightrope of nonsense?

Not Around Me

2009-01-23T13:08:00.007-07:00

I know as a mother I had guilt for years that my children would fight. Until I realized that home is a great place for them to learn how to get along with cranky (me, sometimes), unfair, rude and mean people. I'd rather they practiced at home dealing with these issues then sending them out on their own one day and they find they have a boss who is mean, rude and unfair. If they can learn to deal with this at home in constructive ways, all the better.

Does it mean that YOU have to listen to it all day? NO. Kids fight where it's safe. They usually feel really safe around you so they let it fly. See this post for how one mom handled it. My mantra is: Not around me. I go after the problem that I can control which is, they are bothering my eardrums.

I'm not into being a referee. I have better things to listen to and enjoy. If my children want to sing around me, great! Fight and argue with each other? Not so great.

You ask, "What about the child who is getting picked on?"
There is no better place than at home to figure out how he/she is going to handle being picked on all the time. Are they waiting to be rescued? They might take that attitude in life and wait around for SOMEONE, anyone to rescue them. The time to talk to the child who appears to be doing all the picking......is NOT when the incident occurs, but later on when the emotion is gone and the odds are higher that listening will actually take place with the aggressor.

What about during school hours?

Not an option in my schoolroom. Kids who want to fight and argue can go somewhere else, far, far away from me. A mom told me this week that she has TWO recovery areas now, Pizza Hut and Little Cesars. Pizza Hut is in the bathroom and Little Cesars is in the garage. You want to do all you can to maintain the integrity of your schoolroom. Having kids messing around and/or fighting doesn't help learning occur in that area. They need to be gone. The clock keeps ticking and whether they finish up with their schoolwork is up to them. But as I always say.............their life comes to a screeching halt if their 'job' is not done for the day. The sooner I'm okay with them NOT getting their work done on MY timetable, the sooner I will be able to hold them accountable.

Blog Resources

2009-01-23T12:13:00.007-07:00

As we meet many wonderful families through our workshops, we continue to find more parents talking about their experiences schooling at home, particularly with K12.

I just wanted to highlight a couple of ladies.

Ali at The Cross Family: has a great post on her experience with the Energy Drain that we talked about in Week 2. She also shares a clever way for connecting with dad when he's traveling.

Laura at Slice of Pi: Homeschooling Journal gives a wonderful example of giving choices over worrying. So clever and effective!!

We'd love to hear YOUR stories and would be more than happy to link back to your homeschooling blog.

"If you don't knock it off...."

2009-01-18T21:10:00.005-07:00

"I have a 5 year old and a 7 year old that LIVE for fighting. I would swear it on my life. Everything is a fight. The thing that bothers me the most is that it literally starts the second they wake up in the morning. I usually end up yelling at them and telling them “If you don’t knock it off….” I am the QUEEN of warnings. Now, mind you, I always follow through with what I say I’m going to do. I’m very consistent, but I’ve still found that it’s not working.

Well, Friday morning was a typical morning. I was up working on my computer at 6:30 a.m. and all of the sudden I heard screaming and punching from the boys’ room. My blood started to boil and I wanted to go in and rip their arms off until I remembered our class the night before. I had to take a minute and remember what to say. I decided this was not my problem (that is the hardest thing for me to remember!), but it was bothering me and I didn’t want to listen to it. I went into their room very calmly, grasped them both firmly by the upper arm, and escorted them to the front door.

As I was unlocking the front door, I said,

“If you’d like to fight, that’s fine,

but I don’t want to listen to it,

so you’ll need to take it outside.”

I opened the door and shooed them out. As I peeked out the curtains, I could see them looking at each other like, “What the heck????” They were stunned. I even giggled for a second! (By the way, where I live it’s only about 30 degrees at this point in the morning. It’s not like it’s below 0 or anything…) After about 10 seconds of looking at each other, they both started bawling. I ignored it for a minute, so they ran from the front door to the back door (which was still locked). They started banging and screaming, “PLEASE! PLEASE LET US IN! IT”S FREEZING OUT HERE!” (My 7-year old slept in pajama pants only…no shirt.) I unhurriedly opened the door and said, “Oh! “ (Like I was surprised they were out there.) “If the fight is over, you are more than welcome to come in.” They rushed in the door and started getting ready for school without me even asking! I KID YOU NOT. THEY DID NOT FIGHT ONCE FOR THE REST OF THE MORNING.

That never happens! "

More Week 1

2009-01-15T08:01:00.008-07:00

"I have four children age 7, 6, 3, and 20 months and I am expecting number 5 at the end of March. I wanted to be able to homeschool my kids for the long haul, but I started feeling completely overwhelmed and not capable of having all of these children with me all day. I was finding myself wearing thin of patience and understanding for my kids and really worn out with being pregnant and trying to keep up with the every day duties of a mother, wife, and teacher of my children. However, I am so glad for this week, because it has been such a nice change for me to practice showing empathy for my kids, to allow them to make mistakes, and practice the "Uh, Oh" song with my 3 year old.

I actually had practiced something similar to this when he was littler, but he didn't get to choose if the door was open, only when he was able to come out, because he had stopped his temper tantrum. So we did the song and made the bathroom the designated "Pizza Hut" and he got to choose whether or not he could have the door open or not. I practiced showing empathy for him and it was really difficult for me not to ask him what he did wrong and how he was going to change his behavior. This little song really helped my attitude towards his behavior. I was much more positive and had alot less tension overall. It takes alot less energy to be calm, cool, and collected and to allow my kids to take responsibility for their own actions.

I have had a lot more energy this week and more control of my emotional state. And my 3 year old has improved his behavior. My kids have made so many mistakes this week that I have had many opportunities to practice empathy.

One example is a when my 3 year old, who has been potty trained, decided that he shouldn't have to go on the toilet to go to the bathroom. He's been pulling this stunt for several weeks now and it has driven me batty. Anyway, because he had made this choice, I told him that kids who pee their pants couldn't go outside to play with their friends. He was very sad, but I showed him empathy and loved on him instead of getting upset and losing it and it seems as if he may decide to do better at keeping his pants dry. I suppose we shall see how long it takes for him to learn from his mistakes. "

It's All about You!

2009-01-12T15:39:00.008-07:00

In my ever so humble opinion...............successful homeschooling has nothing to do with children! One strategy that we teach in week one of our Love and Logic Class is to keep kids on task without using up ALL of our energy.

Recovery:
I used this 22 times a day.

Recovery is just that............recover. When a child starts to melt down it's nice to have a place they can go to 'pull themselves together'. That way I'm able to keep my cool and help any other children who are still acting appropriately, with their work. I do not get sucked into begging, pleading and bribing them to work/learn.

Thoughts for Recovery:

A place that's safe but not soft. Close by but preferably a spot where they can't see you. Ours was a hard dining room chair just around the corner from her desk.
Use a choice before you send them to up the odds that they will self-correct on their own without needing to go to recovery. "Can you pull it together or do you need to be in.............recovery/time-out/hawaii." Have fun naming it something to help YOU remember , "Oh yeah........this is supposed to be fun. Yeah, maybe I need to be in Hawaii"
They are in recovery for as long as THEY choose. As soon as the tears/whining/attitude are gone, they are welcome to come back and get on task.
When they return........do not lecture or nag. Save the teaching moments for happy times. Later in the day when the emotion is gone you can have a conversation like, "I noticed today you were agitated over math. Tell me more."

Recovery is not punishment. It's "pull yourself together and get back to learning". I am not mad all day if my child is sitting in recovery. I'm happy they're recovering and not whining at me. As soon as I use recovery as a punishment or threat, it's effectiveness is null and void. "If you don't stop bugging your brother, you're going to be sitting in recovery." A bright child will think, "Cool, that's totally worth it........I think I'll hit him again."
If they spend the day sitting in recovery and do not get their daily work done then something should happen later in the day, evening or week. Life isn't fun and enjoyable for us when we don't get our daily jobs done. Kids who spend lots of time trying to figure out how to keep a grip on their attitude/emotions/temper get to spend lots of time thinking and very little time 'doing' all the wonderful things we do as a family or individual when work is accomplished.
I make sure that I model what I look like when I'm upset and have recovered and then I go finish my jobs and live my life at a very high level of enjoyment and success.

Excellent Reminders here of how to use Recovery.

Only 30 Minutes after the first class!

2009-01-09T11:09:00.008-07:00

I sent my 10 year old son to bed after I returned home from class. I peeked in to check on him and he was playing his gameboy with the lights off. (How is that possible?) I calmly went in, stood by his bed and held my hand out (a motion for him to hand over the gameboy). Here is how the conversation went…
HIM: “Noooooo! I haven’t saved it yet!”
ME: “Oh. That’s too bad.” (My hand still out.)
HIM: “Mom! Just let me save it first!”
ME: “Okay. 3-2-1.” (I take the gameboy.)
HIM: “NONONO! (screaming now) I need to save that!!!”
ME: “Probably.”
HIM: “You’re NEVER gonna give that back to me and I bought it with my own money!”
ME: “I’ll give it back when you can obey the bedtime rules.” (I think that was lecturing. I probably should have left that out. YES?)

He sulked, pulled the covers over his head and I walked out of the room. A minute later I went in to find a book off of his shelf to read aloud to my class tomorrow. He was still sulking and the conversation continued:

HIM: “Now I have to start that game ALL over you know. And I was ALMOST through!”
ME: “Bummer. Do you know where the book Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle is? (not looking at him, just searching the shelf)
HIM: “Yes, but I’m not telling you until you give me my gameboy back. "
ME: “That’s ok. I can find it.”

I kept looking for a minute, left and decided to go get ready for bed while he went to sleep and go back and look later. When I came out of my bathroom after getting all ready for bed, the book I was looking for was laying on my desk. (And NO, it wasn’t there before!) My husband was in the room and said my son had walked in, set it on the desk and walked out. WOW! The simple fact that there was no yelling and screaming about that issue gave me SUCH peace…and he found the book for me to BOOT!

What Mom did here that worked for her was.................she saw him doing something he shouldn't have been doing. Probably a chronic problem. Instead of lectures, yelling, nagging, she let empathy and then the subsequent consequence of not having his game anymore do all of the teaching.

What happened for the son is that he couldn't focus on his mom's anger anymore. He had only to look at himself. Not all kids will be so willing to get the book and give it to you, but WOW that this 10 year old did. You can bet he is going to test Mom again to see if she can keep her cool.

We want kids making lots of mistakes when the price is low. A 10 year old sneaking his gameboy when he should be sleeping is a low cost experience but what a step in the right direction for Mom. My advice is: After a few days without the gameboy ( DO NOT discuss when he will get it back) it will just appear on his bed. You want him to practice again, making a good decision. If he doesn't, you react in the exact same way as you did above.

I don't have eyes in the back of my head. My kids are going to get away with loads of stuff. But when I do see poor choices, I'm going to be really sad for them. When my children have lied to me or are sneaky...........instead of my old reaction of anger and lecturing......now I just get the most genuine sad look on my face and say something like, "I hope you'll figure this out some day. I'm always happier when I know that people can trust ME." You deal with the situation calmly and there will usually be some kind of consequence that can come from this experience.

We want the feeling of making a good choice to come from INSIDE the child, not from the OUTSIDE, us lecturing them. The only way they get to figure this out, is if we give them plenty of opportunities to make good choices.

I Never Thought I Would See The Day

2008-11-17T15:46:00.003-07:00

If you've been in one of our classes you've heard me lament over my daughter and her love of writing. NOT.

There has been blood, sweat and tears. In that order.

3 1/2 years ago I couldn't PAY her to write.

Nothing.

Last week, my payoff.

She wanted to start a blog so she could document all of her writing prompts. I thought it was a great idea and I couldn't get to the computer fast enough to help her set up a blog.

I love this idea because she can involve Dad, Grandma and Grandpa, cousins near and far.

Blogs can be a fun way for kids to express themselves AND practice writing.

Tip of the Day: Needs to be THEIRS. Don't turn it into an assignment. Don't remind them about it, then it becomes YOUR idea. Let it be all about them! Blogs can be created in 5 minutes and removed just as quickly. You're not out any brain power if they do it once and never again. It's always worth a shot.

The best way to introduce this idea would be for YOU to start a blog, or talk about a blog.

Maybe in 3 1/2 more years, she'll want to clean her room.

I can dream.

I provide Wonderful Learning Time

2008-11-11T10:43:00.004-07:00

"Kids, come here I have to talk to you about something."

They came in the living room and I said, "I have to tell you that I am so sorry. I found out tonight that I have been logging your attendance all wrong. When you spend 4 hours on one math assignment, I should have been giving you credit for all four hours." The look in their eyes said "Really? I can sit around and not do any work and get credit for it.. cool."

Then I said, "So everyday, I will be providing 4 and 1/2 hours of wonderful learning time and giving you credit for it. There might be one problem though. If your teacher sees that you have 12 hours of Language Arts and haven't completed anything, then she will be giving YOU a call to see why you aren't getting your work done."

The look on my daughters face was priceless. She understood immediately that this was not going to be good for her.

My son said, "I don't want to do it that way. I want to keep doing it the way we have been."

I said, "I am so sorry, Sweetie, these aren't my rules, they are the schools rules so I have to do it this new way."

He said, "Can you get me up early tomorrow so I can get started early on my school?"

I said, "No, I will be getting up at my normal time to get ready to do my job which is to provide you with 4 1/2 hours of wonderful learning time. You will have 4 1/2 hours to do your job of learning. After that, I will be doing some of my other jobs around here such as laundry and such. Feel free to get yourself up early if you want to spend some extra time on your school work."

I feel like I have a new lease on life. I am excited about school today since I don't feel like I have to be chained to school all day. If you think about it, a teacher has kids in her class from 9 to 3 or whatever the school hours are. Sure she may spend extra time preparing for school and grading papers, but she is not spending more than the allotted school day with kids not wanting to do the work. I am not going to either. I will be happier and will be able to model that happiness to my kids.

P.S. I will let the teacher know what is up so she can be sure to call THEM to talk about getting THEIR work done. Also, my kids know that I am more than willing to let them take the heat. I have done that before with other issues so they know it isn't a bluff.

Update from Mom: My son has never been so responsible in his life. My daughter has started trying to work harder but she is going to see if I really mean it and that is her choice and she will have to "suffer" her own consequences. Bummer. I, on the other hand, am a very happy mommy and learning coach!

Working Hard At It

2008-11-08T22:35:00.005-07:00

I love the benefits of being able to school my children at home, but earlier this year I just about packed up both my kids and marched them into the local elementary and left them there. Things were NOT going well.

Last year, it was just my son, and I pretty much let him run the show as to when we did school (WHICH lessons we worked on were what I was mainly concerned about). I bent over backwards and it wore me completely out. This year, my daughter came in as a kindergartener doing first grade curriculum (she eavesdropped last year) and I was drowning in trying to school BOTH of them and run my household. And since I *couldn’t* drop everything when my son got the whim to work on school, he decided to rebel at doing any of it.

I tried everything that doesn’t work – rewards (I think these are also called bribes), progress charts, punishments, pleads and threats. The more I pushed the more he resisted. He would rather lie on his bed for hours doing nothing than write the three dictation sentences. And he would even use going to the bathroom to control the situation: going 10 times an hour and having to do it RIGHT NOW or claiming he would have an accident. Then my daughter thought she would see what fits could get her. If she didn’t get to do things exactly her way she melted down into an emotional pool and stayed there. I was fighting with both of them all day and still falling further and further behind. So there I was ready to throw in the towel and let it be someone else’s problem for awhile – fortunately, my husband happened to home that day and talked me out of it. He reminded me of why I had wanted to home school them to begin with. Then he reminded me of the Love and Logic classes that I had taken (and we were currently taking together) and pointed out I wasn’t doing it.

So I took the rest of the day off and really thought about things; I had to come to some tough realizations. What it boiled down to was determining the most important things I wanted my kids to learn this year. As important as math and reading are, I wanted them to learn to be responsible and to have perseverance more. I wanted them to see that their choices affected them more than anyone else. I wanted them to learn to make good choices because it benefited them, not because Momma was there knocking some sense in to them. To accomplish those goals I needed to be okay with one or both of them failing this year of school if that is what they chose to do (and not fix it for them because of my own embarrassment or to save them from the consequences). I needed to hand them back the problem instead of making it mine. I needed to see what control I could share and give that to them.

So I changed things. I went back to giving them little choices, even when they felt silly. I may *know* that he wants the blue plate for breakfast, but I asked anyway. I may *know* that they would rather stay up 10 more minutes instead of going to bed then, but I presented them with the choice. And I made sure they were aware it was theirs to make and I was perfectly ok with whichever one they chose. Anywhere I could give them a choice that I would be happy with either outcome, I gave it. That alone was enough to stop my son’s constant bathroom trips and get more cooperation. But I wasn’t done.

One morning when everyone was paying attention during our opening exercises I mentioned that Daddy was at work and asked if they thought he wanted to be there. I then took that opportunity to tell them that Daddy’s job was to provide the basic necessities for us. He does much better than that because of the education he has gotten. I told them my job was to take care of our home, make sure they had access to the necessities he provided, and to give them opportunities to learn to be the best person they possibly could. Then I told them their job was to learn and to contribute to our family. I showed them that I had made them each a blank calendar and provided them with little colored labels with their classes on them for the whole week. I told them I didn’t care when they worked on school as long as it got done each day, they could choose which subjects and even how many they were going to do. I then told them what Daddy and I were going to do:
~I would help with school during only certain hours (generally 9:00 am to 2:00 pm weekdays). I had other things to do and I needed to take care of myself by making time to do them.
~Daddy and I would provide the extras that we have (video games, movies, etc.) to those kids who completed a full day of schooling each day (generally 5 or 6 spaces on the calendar). We also stressed that this was because we know how important education is and we loved them too much to get them used to a lifestyle that they probably couldn’t afford if they chose to remain uneducated.
~If the school called with attendance concerns I would give them the phone to talk to them about it.
~We gave weekend privileges to those children who completed a week’s worth of school by the end of school Friday.
~I would no longer nag them about getting their work done. They could choose all on there own.

Both of my kids did fantastic that first day and whipped out a full day’s worth of lessons in record time. The next day, my son tested me and did maybe ½ of one lesson. I never said a word about it. When he would get off task I simply turned all my attention to helping his sister or I would write an email or work on a crossword. When 2:00 pm hit he was pretty disappointed that I was done for the day. I hit him with them empathy (and a lot of broken recording). I really was sad that he wasn’t going to get to do the things he wanted to do. I really did wish it was different. I hated to see him so disappointed. But I held firm and just empathized as much as possible without moving an inch. The next day he did TWO days worth of school to be able to play video games. I never told him to get back on task, he self corrected every time. There were no struggles, no arguments.

Has he tested me since then? Heck yeah, and I fully expect him to keep doing so because he is just as determined as I am. But, can he bank on how I am going to handle it? He sure can. And his sister who is watching everything he goes through is getting to learn the same lessons without paying the consequences he is.

The Water Monster

2008-11-08T22:15:00.006-07:00

It was mid-afternoon and the weather was hot. My daughters and I, having drunk at least a gallon of water on the way to the store, made a bee-line for the Costco restroom. Soon after, the three of us ladies stood at the sinks washing our hands, my three year old playing with the bubbles.

Inadvertently, some water splashed on her t-shirt and within mere seconds, she was bawling crocodile tears and begging for me to change her shirt. This little gal is terrified of the “water-monster,” a fictional character she crafted in her own mind. She absolutely has a panic attack if any water is on her clothing. When she was a mere tiny tot, I obliged in changing her clothing every time. This day was different, however, because a) she is no longer a “tiny tot” and b) I did not have any extra clothing with me.

When my initial response of trying to pretend it didn’t happen and just move on didn’t work, my little girl’s rage quickly escalated, and soon I found myself pulled into a control issue. While my older daughter stood mouth gaping in astonishment at her screaming sister, and I’m sure thinking that her little sis was going to really “get it,” I went into empathy mode and tried to remember the C—control that’s shared of the C.O.O.L. formula. “Oh, wow, what a bummer, honey. Yes, I see that your sleeve is wet. That’s too bad. What can you do about it?”

My little one wouldn’t buy my empathy. She wanted me to take charge, to take control, and to solve the problem HER way. She grew more emphatic and ripped off her damp shirt. She now stood half-naked in front of me. “You change me! Get me a fresh shirt!”

Progressing to the O—ownership of the C.O.O.L. formula, I said “Sweetheart, this is so sad. You know, I’d love for you to have a dry comfortable shirt right now, but we are not at home. We are at Costco and at Costco they have a very important rule. If you want to buy hotdogs, you have to wear your clothes.” (Since we never eat hotdogs at home, when we are at Costco, my daughter’s favorite treat is to have a hot dog for lunch. This particular day we had already discussed that we would dine on hot dogs for lunch before we ever arrived at the store.)

Although I had eloquently explained Costco’s policy for service, my strong-willed daughter continued to scream, not caring about Costco’s “clothing rule” or anything else at that moment. So, I did what needed to be done, and coincidentally allowed my little one to both take ownership of her problem, and to have an opportunity to think and make a decision, the second O in the C.O.O.L. formula.

“Come on sweetie, let’s go to the car. You can keep your shirt off, but now we have to go home. Costco will not let us be in their store if we don’t wear our clothes. Guess we’ll just have peanut butter sandwiches for lunch at home today.”

My older daughter who continued to remain quiet while she watched in earnest, grasped my hand and we began to exit the bathroom. My three year old did not move, but her wailing ceased, and as though a light bulb suddenly flickered on in her head, she cried out, “No, wait, mama! I want to eat hotdogs. Will Costco let me have hot dogs if I wear my shirt?”
I smiled and nodded that yes, if she was wearing her shirt, then Costco would allow her to stay in the store and eat a hot dog for lunch. She was suddenly happy to oblige, “Okay, I’ll wear my shirt.”

As an added bonus for me, when I tried to assist her in pulling the damp shirt over her head, she quickly reprimanded me and said, “No, I’m a big girl. I can get dressed all by myself!” So there it was, my L. moment from the C.O.O.L. formula; when both empathy and consequences facilitated the teaching for me.

A woman, sitting in a stall nearby while this drama played out, opened the door and went to wash her hands. As she exited the bathroom, her companion approached asking what took her so long. I heard the woman say in a hushed tone, “Wow! She is good! You’ll never believe what she just did,” as she pointed in my direction. I just chuckled inside.

No Naggin'

2008-11-08T21:53:00.006-07:00

The energy drain is easily bought here, but I am having a harder time working on delivering it. I’m still chewing on how to do it.

I am still reaping rewards on not nagging my children to stay focused during school and sticking to the hard fast rule that the kids don’t go to afterschool activities until their work is completed.

It was a much wanted event that the kids had looked forward to and that I had paid for, double ouch for me, but they learned that I really do what I say and that rules are important enough to enforce.

Empathy was the only water that could put out the fires that day. It was so emotionally draining, but I’ve seen the proof of how much more effective this method is over my nagging.

Q & A

2008-11-07T23:30:00.006-07:00

Help me! I am trying to be a good mom and it's hard! My 7 year old whom I am home-schooling, has been not wanting to do his work. He spends an hour on a page that should take 10 minutes. This morning, I told him that he needed to have language arts and math done by noon in order to have lunch. He spent the entire morning goofing around. I wanted to remind him, but I kept my mouth shut. He got basically nothing done. Now, he isn't getting lunch and he is screaming and yelling at me about how mean I am and how he just wants something to eat. Can you help me?

You need to remember that this will be a wonderful memory at your family reunions in the future. He will say, "Mom, remember when ..............." and everyone will laugh. :)

So think of that and get a smile on your face. Get some empathy in your heart. It truly will be a sad life for this little one if he doesn't figure out sometime in the near future that life has deadlines.

Let him say how mean you are, all he wants. You will just smile sweetly, (not a HA HA smile, but a.....you're such a little turkey and I love you with all my heart smile)

Smile sweetly and say........."Sweetie you're welcome to eat lunch when ________ is done." Say nothing else. Let him yell and scream. WALK AWAY from him and if he continues on, you just repeat that phrase until you're blue in the face. Doesn't take a lot of brain power on your part.

If you give in now, your words are no longer gold. Your payoff will be next week. maybe. :) He might need to do this a few times. He just wants to know how serious you are about his schooling.
Remember, what's your job?

GO team, GO!!!!

I don’t know how it works – but it does!

2008-11-07T22:58:00.004-07:00

Since I have a toddler, the best strategy for me has been the "Uh-Oh Song." The other strategies have been valuable as well. I had my doubts about using time-out with such a young child, but it has changed our lives (for the better). My daughter no longer throws food from her high chair and no longer throws toys across the room. I can’t even remember the other behaviors that we’ve used it for – since it’s been so effective in making them stop.

Honestly, my husband and I are kind of perplexed as to how it works. As soon as we sing the song, Becca smiles and walks with us to the recovery area / laundry room. She sits in there for one minute. We usually find clothes on the floor that she’s dragged out of the baskets while she was in there. After her recovery time is over, she comes out smiling and laughing when we ask if she’s ready to be sweet. But the behavior stops! I don’t know how it works – but it does!

Not Doing His Best

2008-11-07T22:32:00.005-07:00

What do I do about a normally well-behaved child who is not doing his best on assignments? I loved Dave’s response. He asked the parent to try not doing her best on some of her tasks, and show how it affects the family.

I have a fifth grader who does all of his assignments, but only does the bare minimum and resists when asked to do more. This week I've only done the bare minimum on laundry and left half of the meals unprepared. I'm just trying to model what doing the bare minimum looks like. I use the phrase, "I guess I haven't don't my best" to do the teaching.

I've also been using the statement,

"I’ll be happy to grade this composition when it has three paragraphs,"

instead of "You have to write three paragraphs."

Stepping Stone

2008-11-07T22:24:00.003-07:00

My son Gavin (6) complained and complained as we were getting out of the car the other day, as he was asked to carry his small suitcase in one hand, and a small lunch box in the other. He complained and whined and said that he needed help.

Meanwhile, his twin sister and 4 year old sister have already lugged their goods inside. He stood on our front patio and cried. I walked up to him, picked up his suitcase and lunch box and took his hand. I said, "I am so sorry about this Gavin. Please go sit in your room for a minute and I’ll be right with you."

I went outside, in the shed, in the garage looking for an idea! I found a perfect stepping stone that would definitely be heavy for him to carry. I went into his room and calmly asked him to please come with me. He was in a great mood! We walked outside and I gave him a pair of gloves to put on.

I said, "It makes me sad that certain things are so hard and too heavy for you to do, so I’m going to help you exercise."

I put the stone in his arms and told him to walk along the fence in the backyard. We have ½ acre and a huge backyard. He immediately started crying, dropped the stone, and dropped to his knees. I walked inside and wasn’t upset at all.

Inside I was playing and working with the girls and he was still on the ground. I opened up a window and told him calmly that I was going to set the timer for 4 minutes, and if he wasn’t finished by then that it was ok. He just looked at me. I then told him that if he wasn’t done, then he’ll have to work a little harder to become even stronger as he’ll have to walk the perimeter of the yard two times.

My oh my, he stood up, picked up the stepping stone and began walking the yard. He finished it in his designated time frame and was a trooper. That was a few days ago and we haven’t had any complaining about anything being too heavy or hard.

Focus on Chores

2008-11-07T22:17:00.003-07:00

I focused on chores this week. I still have a looong way to go when it comes to staying on top of it and staying organized with the chores, but at least I’m making a solid attempt! I walked my 6 year old twins through a series of chores this week.

I modeled what it means to empty the trash in each room: how to do it without being messy, which trash cans they needed to empty, etc. Then I modeled and then handed off the wiping of the sinks. One bathroom has two copper sinks and tile counters and they just need a wet rag wipe down, while another bathroom needs a spray down on the counter and sink.

They worked so hard at the chores that we practiced, they were very proud of how they were able to help, and they listened so well. It was fun for me as well, to be working beside my kids and training them in the way that I wanted them to complete the work.

To Cry or Be Cold

2008-11-07T22:07:00.002-07:00

My son (6) tends to give up at some tasks, as he finds them insurmountable. I always encourage him to not give up and to keep trying…."You’ll get it Gavin!" or "You’ll find it Gavin!"

A few days back we were staying in a friends cabin and he had just woken up from a nap. Being tired and such, he immediately went into melt-down because he couldn’t find his clothes. I was not going to enable him by helping him look so I just encouraged him to look underneath the sleeping bags, etc.

I went downstairs and he continued to sit upstairs and cry.

I went up again and told him that he could either look and find his clothes, or he could go outside in the garage and cry because it really hurt everyone’s ears. I was very calm and told him that he was welcome to cry as long as he wanted in the garage, but not inside. I went back downstairs and he continued to sit right next to his shirt, and cry. I went upstairs again and told him to put his shirt on. He was only wearing a shirt, underwear and socks.

I gently took his hand and walked him out to the garage door and told him that he could cry as long as he wanted. It was cold in the garage, and the garage door was open as people were coming and going with 4 wheelers. He wasn’t in the freezing garage for long before he came in and said that he was ready.

My Tummy is Hungry

2008-11-07T21:56:00.005-07:00

My girls, 4 and 6, share a bedroom. My husband told them that they could not come out of their rooms in the morning until they had cleaned their room. They woke up at 8:00 this morning and their ‘hard work’ began. Okay, they really didn’t work very hard.

I went in and reminded them that they could not come out and eat breakfast until they finished. I had no idea that I wouldn’t see them until lunch!! I never lost my cool with them, and I actually didn’t remind them more than once or twice, that I was looking forward to seeing them when they were done.

I called their morning THE GIRLS FIRST FAST. They didn’t get anything until they came out at noon. In the meantime, I made Playdough with their brother Garrett, we had hot chocolate, and we had a very wonderful day together!

Ahhhh, it felt great to let them make the choice, and it didn’t upset me at all. I knew that they would come out when they were hungry. My youngest daughter, Krissy, told me around 9:00 "Mommy, my tummy told me that He is very hungry. He told me that Mom."

I told her, "That is so sad, Kate. I’m sure He is very hungry! Tell your tummy that He can eat after you clean your room." Too funny!!!

She Screams for Ice Cream

2008-11-07T21:20:00.004-07:00

Over the weekend, I took my two girls to Salt Lake. We had a great time and played very hard. On the way home, we stopped and got ice cream and both girls were very tired. After finishing the ice cream, Aubrey, my oldest, declared that she was taking her ice cream cup and all the spoons that were used home with us. That wasn’t really going to work for me. I couldn’t get over the grossness of the used, soggy, ice cream cup. When I told her that the ice cream cup couldn’t come home with us in my new car, she immediately started screaming.

We were on our way out anyway. So I took her over to a pillar just outside the door. I told her that we were going home in the car. I showed her where the garbage can was and that when she was ready to come, she could throw her cup away right there and get in the car. Which immediately started a louder scream. I turned and walked away, toward the car. My family was getting in the car and was watching her, so I knew that she was safe. I made it 5 steps…and everything went silent. All the sudden I heard little footsteps behind me, and no crying. Aubrey walked right the garbage can, threw away the dirty cup, and climbed in the car. There was no more crying, no arguing, and no disagreeing for the rest of the night.

It worked like a charm.

Big Sigh

2008-11-07T21:06:00.004-07:00

My favorite with my six year old has been, "I love you too much to argue". We really have resolved many potential drawn out situations very quickly and smoothly because I say my peace and move on. He gives the big sigh but then moves on as well. I have also been discussing concerns with him at times when we are happy often snuggling on the couch.

He is a good communicator when not provoked.

"Yes, but I didn't chomp!"

2008-11-07T20:44:00.004-07:00

Last night my children went to bed as usual. After about 10 minutes my youngest son started complaining from his bed, at the top of the stairs, that his brother bit him. Now I have to tell you that I am proud to say that I don’t have children that bite…never have. So, when my 4 year old shared this, I was shocked and found myself getting more angry by the second. My 7 year old knows this is not acceptable and, he was across the room! Not only did he bite but he got out of bed, crawled into Trevor’s bed and BIT him.

I would call that premeditation!

My husband and I jump from the couch and start up the stairs. I am in the lead. As we make our assent I hear Darren say, "Don’t yell!" I turn to him and start chanting, "love and logic, love and logic". We walk into the boy’s room and just stand there and observe.

Michael is now back in his bed looking real guilty.

I simply asked, "Michael, did you bite your brother?"

"I, I, I" and the explaining started to come oozing out of his mouth.

I stopped him and calmly said, "This is a yes or no answer son."…

"yes, but I didn’t chomp…"

I went on to say, "Michael, don’t worry about it now. We will take care of it in the morning." We said our goodnights and went back down stairs. We did not hear from Michael for the rest on the night.

Darren and I were able to decide what to give as a consequence and talk about how we would handle the morning. In the morning while Michael was eating his breakfast I simply stated that he knows right from wrong and made a mistake, therefore he would receive the consequence of no computer for a week. He said ok and there was no discussion or argument. We went on happily with our day. I LOVED IT!!!

The delayed consequence is so powerful with very little effort. The unspoken word was really all we needed.

I have to add that in the car on the way to school Michael shared that he was really glad I took away the computer. That if I took away the TV he would " just die!" I told him that was interesting to learn. I would not change my mind this time but he can be assured that the next time he gets a consequence, it will be the TV. The eyes got big!!
I am almost looking forward to that because it will be a huge lesson…I think I’m getting it!

Little Mirrors

2008-11-07T20:18:00.003-07:00

I have caught both my 4 year old and 2 year old using the "golden words" and body language when there is tension between them or with my 1 year old. Yes, even he knows how to push their buttons! My 4 year old has told me , "isn’t it a bummer that Kade is acting like that?"

My 2 year old has told Jenny "Talk to you later" when she is frustrated with her.

She (Kade age 2) told Warren (age 1) to go to his bedroom when he was throwing a fit! Ha!

About 2 weeks ago Jenny told me we needed some "time out chairs" and found 2 of their kid chairs put them along the wall and told me that she would share her chair with Warren. I agreed that this would be a good idea.

Today, Kade told me "You're poopy" and I pointed to the chair. She started to cry and went and sat down. I didn’t have to lecture, loose my cool, or anything. She knew she was just being naughty and went to sit there until she was going to be nice. I didn’t time her or anything, she sat there crying, then calmed down, got up and gave me a hug.

Leaving The Park

2008-11-07T19:55:00.007-07:00

It was time to leave.

Mom was calling the kids to pile into the van.

Abby came to the van with a big stick. She had every intention of taking it home. Mom said, "No" and Abby started to whine and cry. Mom remembered that she had a few new skills up her sleeve so she opted for a choice.

"Honey, do you want to leave the stick behind that bush or that tree?"

Abby amazingly stopped crying and said, "Close your eyes Mommy, I want to hide it."

She hid it and they traveled home in relative peace.

The power of a choice.